So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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