I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
