Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
