there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
