what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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