I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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