i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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