My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
