shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
