In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
