My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
