we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
