oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
