I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
