yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
