you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
