I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
