I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
