He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize