Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
