I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
