I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
