drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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