be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
