So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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