The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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