Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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