It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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