When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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