just survived the first fart of the relationship.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
