Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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