I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
