My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
