chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
