who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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