After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
