I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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