Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
