Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
