I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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