Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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