I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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