Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Non-Jews are for practice
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
