Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
