If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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