P.S. I can't hear my feet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
