I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
