She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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