So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
