Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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